The dodgy street food left you shivering like a scolded hound. The festival outside your hotel window turned into gun fight. There's an unsettling smell coming from your bag. Last night a hippy called "Skank" tore the visa page from your passport to roll a suspicious cigarette.And now cockroaches are crawling away with your iPod.
Even with us to guide you through the world's most happening cities, traveling in Asia can sometimes be a chore.
Sure, you'll meet new people and visit exciting places, but unless you've got a five-star budget, a first-class ticket and someone else to carry your own bodyweight in Stieg Larsson novels, there are bound to be days you wished you'd stayed home.
Now, thanks to our country-by-country Bluffer's Guide, you can stay home.
By simply consulting our handy list of tips, anecdotes and outright fabrications, you too can claim to have "done" Asia's sights, sounds and tastes without all the hassle of airfares, hotel rooms and gastroenterology.
Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Brunei, East Timor, Mongolia, Myanmar, Pakistan
Tourists do visit these places, but rarely. And since we're not planning to travel anywhere, it's best to cling to a bit of credibility -- so let's avoid claims of bungee jumping in Bamiyan, pub crawls in Pyongyang, thumbing for lifts in Thimpu, or snorkeling in the lake outside Aung San Suu Kyi's house. Obviously they're on your list, but you're saving them for next year.
Cambodia
As all good travelers know, wherever you go things were much better a couple of years ago. Such is the case with Cambodia, where the beautiful ruins of Angkor Wat, once overrun by vegetation, are now overrun by tourists.
This is a perfect opportunity to slip in an anecdote about stumbling across a previously undiscovered temple while hiking near the Thai border (it does happen, so it’s not beyond the realms of possibility). Perhaps you also bumped into Angelina Jolie. Perhaps she adopted you.
The food that almost killed you:
The "happy" mushroom pizza in a Phnom Penh backpacker's cafe. Were those paranoid hallucinations or does everyone hate you? Both, probably.
The "local" you hung out with:
Bandana-wearing American Wild Jeff was great company until he pulled out a gun and started crying. Maybe it was the pizza.
China
A vast nation of industry, agriculture, history and modernity peopled by dozens of distinct ethnic groups, China could take a lifetime to explore -- so better not to try.
Easier to claim to have sailed the Yangtze River (breathtaking); explored the karst scenery of Guilin and Yangshuo (breathtaking) and the cloistered world of Beijing's Forbidden City (breathtaking, but partly due to pollution).
Then on to Shanghai for a night of lavish cocktails at a bar so ultra-hip it closed down the night it opened.
The attraction you loved:
Beijing's Silk Market. Full of cheap fakes -- a bit like you.
The food that almost killed you:
Sichuan la zi ji chicken with chilies. Like someone lobbed a firecracker in your mouth -- be careful with this one, it might give people ideas.
India
The good people of India have for generations been tolerating the deluded spiritual fantasies of travelers bent on “finding themselves,” or exploring the “real India” on a well-trodden circuit of yoga retreats, beach resorts and tea plantations.
Easy enough then to sum up your own extensive journey through the world’s largest democracy with an enigmatic sigh and a few facile words along the lines of, “India: that country blew my mind,” or “I don’t feel like I visited India, I lived it.”
People will think you’re a fool, but they’ll believe you’ve been – so who’s really the fool?
The self-discovery you made:
We are all part of the great circle of life upon which we eat, pray and love.
The spiritual awakening you experienced:
Girls don't buy that "circle of life" drivel unless it's coming from someone with a ponytail and a Bollywood physique.
Indonesia
This vast archipelago nation lends itself very well to fabrication, which explains why you quickly left the tourist fleshpots of Bali for the imaginary island of Pulau Berbohong.
Here you spent an idyllic six weeks living among a little-known tribe of reformed head hunters who, despite their fierce reputation, allowed you to participate in their arcane religious rituals, share their food and surf the amazing left-hand break off their unspoiled beach.
In return, you astounded them with your soulful acoustic guitar renditions of Sting songs. On second thought, ditch the Sting songs. The tribe would’ve ripped your head off.
The food that almost killed you:
Gado-gado: Lovely the first time, but even die-hard fans of peanut sauce will go into anaphylactic shock after two weeks of it.
The local custom you picked up:
The Indonesian pastime of nongkrong -- the art of squatting on the ground and doing nothing -- could have been invented for you.
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